Harry Potter and the Twilight Zone
by Erm the Penguin
Summary: Finally! Chapter 3 is up! Randomness warning to all...crossover, OOC-ness, etc. May be hazardous to your mental health. You have been warned.
1. In Which We Are No Longer In Kentucky

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Disclaimer: All right, people…you know the drill….I own nothing. Got that? All the characters are either property of the great and wonderful Tamora Pierce…or the equally great and wonderful JK Rowling. All I own is the plot….which, in my opinion…may not be worth owning anyway….

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A/N: Ok…this is my first pathetic attempt at a _Harry Potter_ fic…actually…it's my first attempt at a cross-over….so help me out and tell me if its any good when you finish…if you finish…. Um…yeah….anyway….to keep you from being hopelessly confused and everything…this is set after the fourth book of _Harry Potter_….I think…I hadn't really considered the time frame yet….anyway…I suppose it has to be then since they already know Remus…and Sirius is pardoned and everything…oh wait…was that the third book? I dunno…I haven't read them in a while. Also, it is set after _Squire_ (for the Tamora Pierce characters, anyway). Not that it really _matters_ since its not set in either world, exactly….you just need to know which characters already exist and everything…does this make any sense whatsoever? Probably not…being written by myself as it is and all….but…try? Good luck understanding my sad and sorry plot….enjoy! (I hope….)

Harry Potter and the Twilight Zone

By Erm the Penguin

Chapter 1: In Which We Are No Longer In Kentucky

Harry Potter was dreaming—and it was a very strange sot of dream, too. He dreamed that his whole room had just disappeared. A strange _tappity-tap-tap-tap_ noise drew him out of sleep. He opened his eyes in a blindingly white world that was totally unfamiliar to him. He winced at the brightness and tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes. The tapping noises increased and when he opened his eyes again, the light had dimmed and he could make out the outlines of a room. _How strange_, he thought. Harry looked around him, puzzled, and spoke his thoughts out loud "This is a very strange place. I wonder why there aren't any windows or doors…and where is the light coming from?"

There was a quiet mutter and a lot of frantic ticking and the light dimmed even more—enough so that Harry could see blocks of greater light along the walls, and candles set in sconces all around the room.

"That's funny. I could have sworn there were no windows or candles just a minute ago."

A furtive noise that sounded distinctly like a muffled laugh sounded from above him.

"Where is everybody anyway? Where am I? Is this some kind of Death Eater plot?"

Harry looked down. Surprisingly, he wore his Hogwarts robes…but… "Where's my WAND?!?" he demanded. He could have sworn he heard a tiny *_oops_* before his wand slid out of his sleeve. "Oh is that where you'd gotten to?"

Suddenly, there was a strange burst of light, and from a hole that opened mysteriously in the ceiling fell Ron and Hermione…right on top of Harry. "Umph," he muttered from the bottom of the pile. "When I asked where my friends were, I didn't especially want to find them by having them _dumped_ on me."

His friends, who were still half-asleep took quite a bit of moving to get the off of him. He looked about to see if there was anything to have them sit on, rather than this…floor…if you could call it that…and spotted three cushions in red and gold over in the corner.

"…were they there the whole time?" he mused to himself and then shook his head—there was no need to puzzle it all out yet. He dragged the cushions over to his friends and helped them to get comfortable.

As they were still quite groggy and very dazed from falling from the ceiling, the two took a while before they realized that there was something wrong with this picture.

"Whoa, Harry," began Ron, "where are we?"

Harry just shrugged. "I woke up here a few minutes ago. I have no clue what's going o—" he broke off as two figures walked through a doorway that he was almost positive hadn't been there before. All three stood, their wands out.

"Death Eaters!" Ron hissed.

Harry nodded. _Who else would be behind this?_

The two figures seemed to have seen them, and they stopped, looking very confused. "Numair, are you sure we didn't take a wrong turn back there? We should be out in the garden by now…and I've never seen this room in the palace before." Daine commented to her teacher. "…and…who are they?" she pointed.

"_Palace_?" whispered Hermione. They all looked around again, startled to see that they were indeed in a stone room with a roaring fire in it. Three cushions were before the fire, with a small table and a couch behind them. Several passages led out of the room in different directions. She blinked. "Where'd all this come from?" Everyone else just gave her blank stares.

Wands still at the ready, the three advanced on the newcomers. Rather than looking evil, like Death Eaters, or arrogant, like Ministry officials, these people simply looked very puzzled. Harry stepped forward and demanded to know who they were, and what they were planning on doing with them.

Numair frowned. "You don't _know_ who we are? Actually, come to think of it, I've never seen _you_ before in my life either." He gestured to the woman standing next to him, "This is my student, Veralidaine Sarrasri, Wild Mage." Now he pointed at himself, "And I am Numair Salmalin, Black Robe. As to your second question, I do not plan on doing anything with you. I don't even know who you are. Why do you assume we had plans for you?" Numair sounded very confused (which was a rare happening, indeed).

"You mean you aren't Death Eaters?" asked Harry, incredulously.

"What's a Death Eater?" Daine wanted to know. "It doesn't sound like a very pleasant thing to be."

"You don't know what a Death Eater is? Where have you _been_ for the last thirty years?" Ron inquired. "And if you aren't Death Eaters, why have you kidnapped us?"

"_Kidnapped_!!!" exclaimed a very startled Daine. "We just walked in here and _found_ you. Nobody kidnapped anyone."

The ever practical Hermione voiced, "Then would _somebody_ please explain how we got here???" Everyone turned and looked at her. "What? I want to know!"

Numair turned back to Harry, "Well I for one, would like to know who _you_ are."

Harry grimaced. Reflexively, he reached up and checked to see if his hair was hiding his scar…but….it wasn't. _That's odd…usually people would have noticed that and realize who I am by now…_ Steeling himself for the reaction that was sure to follow when they heard his name, he took a deep breath and announced, "I am Harry Potter, and these are my friends Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley." He waited for either of them to say something, to start gaping at him or shaking his hand or _something_. But…strangely…nothing happened. Rather than profuse handshakes and "Oh, Mr. Potter, its so good to finally meet you"s he received only blank stares, as though the owners of those faces weren't sure if the names were supposed to mean something to them. Harry turned and looked at Ron and Hermione, to see what their reactions were, and they seemed as mystified as he. 

"You mean you've _never_ heard of Harry Potter?" asked Ron, perplexed.

"Should we have?" countered Daine.

Meanwhile, Numair was regarding them carefully. "You're not from Tortall, are you?" he asked suspiciously.

Now it was the Three Musketeers' turn to blink vacantly. Ron and Harry turned to Hermione.

"Where's Tortall?" inquired Ron. 

Hermione shrugged. "I don't know. I've never heard of it before."

"But…" Daine stuttered, "how could you be _here_, if you've never even heard of it before?"

"We're _in_ Tortall?" Harry yelped. "Oh dear."

"Yeah, Harry," Ron muttered, "I don't think we're in Kentucky any more."

"That's _Kansas_, Ron," Hermione whispered back in exasperation.

Ron stuck his tongue out at her, and Harry quickly stepped between the two to keep them from fighting.

In the meantime, Daine had been very quiet. Suddenly, she turned white and started shaking. "Numair!" she whispered frantically. "I can't hear the People!"

  
"**What?**" he bellowed. The mage turned around and ran toward the doorway that they had come through. Just as he passed the doorframe, they all heard an incredible *zap!* and light flashed across the door. Numair was thrown back and landed on the floor with a thud. Daine rushed over and knelt by him. "Numair! Oh, Numair! Please wake up!" she said in anguish, shaking his shoulder.

He groaned. Not even opening his eyes, he said clearly, "_That_ was a particularly nasty spell." Opening his eyes at last, he winced and got slowly to his feet. Tediously, he made his way back to the door and began to probe it with his magic, black fire sparkling in the air before him. 

While he was occupied, Daine had walked over to a window and peered out, reaching for her animal friends. Rather than a normal scene of grass and trees, only blankness met her eyes. She yelped and stepped away quickly to another window, but she saw only the same bright whiteness. "Numair, you really _have_ to see this!" she declared.

He looked up from his spell. "Hmmmm?"

"There's _nothing_ outside these windows, Numair. Just….white light…I don't think we're in the palace any more."

Ron, Hermione and Harry followed Numair over to the window. They gasped.

"We're _definitely_ not in Korea any more," Ron said.

Harry and Hermione looked at each other. "_Kansas, _Ron."

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A/N: Well? Was that….understandable….at all? And, more importantly, are you interested enough in it to have me continue the tale? Tell me, please!!!! Penguins don't really _have_ knees, or I'd be down on them, begging you…as it is, I'm laying on the ice, as low as I can go…please tell me all my trouble to type this out ever so slowly with just my two little flippers…tell me it wasn't all in vain! *Erm sniffles a sad penguinny sniffle* Don't make me cry…it'll just freeze. Normally I like the cold…but this is taking it just a _tad_ too far, in my opinion…stupid igloo. Anyway….make a little penguin really happy and review, if you would…. ^__^

~ Erm the Penguin ~


	2. Which Contains A Great Deal Of Nonsense

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A/N: hey all…I'm back. I'm not sure exactly _why_ since I only got ONE stinkin' review. (Thank you very much, by the way, the one lonely person who _did_ review. I am very grateful.) Anyways…not knowing why I decided to continue with this story…I'm doing it anyway. If you still don't like it once you finish reading ch. 2…then…I'll just…give up, I suppose. O__o that's not good. So if you really think there's some insignificant reason to continue w/ this story, do me a favor and review because otherwise two chapters is all you're gonna get. Enjoy. (hopefully)

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Disclaimer: I own nothing. Entiendas??? 

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."   
-Franklin D. Roosevelt

CHAPTER TWO

(drum roll, please!)

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Which Contains A Great Deal Of Nonsense

The group of sad, sorry, stupid, suspicious, something-or-others who were already smuggled into this story were standing sorrowfully by the window staring out into the void, bemoaning their sad and sorry situation. They weren't really, but all of the S's sounded spectacular, didn't they? But they _were_ all huddled around the window, and they were shocked…errr…_thunderstruck_ by the appalling starkness…I mean…absence of _anything_ outside. It was as though nothing existed outside of the room that they were in. (Scary…isn't it?) Anyway, while they were peering out the window, the strange tapping noises which had ceased a while before started up again and echoed spookily around them. 

Suddenly, a very frazzled Neal ran through the door, panting, "Is she in here???" before he collapsed in the middle of the stone floor. The entire group turned as one (A/N: _whoosh_!) from the window and stared at the pathetic, crumpled figure. 

Daine gaped at the boy and muttered, "_Neal_?? What are you doing here?"

"Forget _that_," exclaimed Numair impatiently, "I want to know how he got _in_!" He strode to the unconscious frame, pulled him up by his shoulders and shook him. "Wake up. You have to tell me how you got in!"

Rolling her eyes at him, Hermione pulled out her wand and pointed it at Neal. "_Ennervate_." His eyes fluttered open and he glanced around wildly, cowering. But no one was paying attention to him. All eyes were on Hermione. At least, Daine and Numair were looking at her with matching expressions of curiosity, while Ron and Harry were just looking exasperated at her for showing-off. 

"You can do _magic????_" Numair questioned incredulously. His eyes took in their appearance for the first time. Pointy black hats, black robes, wands. "You look a little young to be black robe mages. What are you?"

"What is this, the Portuguese Inquisition?" Ron muttered under his breath.

"That's the Spanish Inquisition, Ron," Hermione replied matter-of-factly. "And this is _nothing_ like it." Numair opened his mouth to ask more questions and she silenced him with a wave of her hand. "As for you, yes, we can do magic. And no, we _aren't_ black robes, or whatever you were calling us. This is just our school uniform. We aren't even full-fledged wizards and witches yet—we're still learning. What's a mage?"

Meanwhile, back on the floor, Neal was still looking around him, paranoid, and twitching spasmodically. Ron looked at him sympathetically and knelt down to ask what was wrong. Neal glanced about with bloodshot eyes, muttering, "Alanna. Teaching. Torture. Help. Don't let her get me!!!!" He shuddered apprehensively, imagining what horrible plots she might be dreaming up for him at this very moment. 

Ron gawked at the green eyed boy on the floor and then looked back at Harry skeptically. "He looks like a first year just out of Snape's class for the first time," Harry said. He shuddered in remembrance. Ron blanched, grimacing at the mental image he drew up with those words. "Scratch that," declared Harry. "He looks like _anyone_ just out of Snape's class." Ron nodded in agreement.

Back up to the conversation where we left Hermione and Numair, discussing the differences of witches and mages and what the different colors of robes meant and how they did magic here in Tortall … actually … never mind … lets just leave them with that for a moment, shall we? Ahem … back to Neal … turning toward the door he had come in again, he realized that the moment of doom had come at last and the thing he most dreaded stood in the doorway at this very second. He squeaked and tried to hide behind Numair's tall form. Alanna poked her head in the room and looked around. She took a step in and then realized that the object of her quarry was not in sight and turned to leave. The same violent shock and blast of light that ensued when Numair had tried a similar maneuver … well … ensued, and the redheaded woman found herself hurled to the floor…violently.

"Ow?" she muttered from her horizontal, and, may I add, not especially _comfortable_ position on the stones. Numair hurried over to her and started checking to see if she had broken anything or had a concussion. Neal, his protective wall abandoning him, squeaked and tried to follow the tall man, but was not quick enough. Alanna's sharp violet eyes caught sight of him and glared. "YOU!!!!" she bellowed, springing back to her feet and made to give chase again.

Numair chuckled. "Guess she wasn't hurt too badly, was she?" He sighed, responsibility for the mental health of Daine's young friend ruining this potentially humorous moment. He reached out and grabbed Alanna by the shoulder before she could go tearing off after her wayward squire again. "Alanna, we seem to be stuck here. I couldn't get out. _You_ couldn't get out. I'm not even sure there's still an _out_ to get to." He briefly described the situation with the impenetrable wards on the doors and the absence of … well … anything … out the windows. His information came as something like a shock to the woman, whose face scrunched up while she pondered what to do.

Meanwhile, back at the farm…oops…wrong story. Rumplestiltskin climbed up Sleeping Beauty's hair to find the singing and dancing china and magic tea cozy from the Wizard of Oz. (A/N: The author has now been carted away to the Funny Farm where life is beautiful all day long and the story may resume as usual…or unusual…whichever you would rather have.)

Ahem. Meanwhile, Neal had realized three very important things: 

A—He no longer needed to run for his life away from the evil Tyrant-Knight-Mistress Alanna.

B—There was no where _to_ run, even if he had to.

C—He was very, very hungry.

Extremely happy about realizations #'s A and B, he set about fixing # C…in a very roundabout way. He turned to the three who were not involved in discussions of the metaphysical or any such oddities and introduced himself. "I am Squire Nealan of Queenscove. But please, don't call me Nealan. My least favorite aunt calls me that. Actually, she's my only aunt…but still…she would be my least favorite even if I had another one. So call me Neal."

"I'm Harry."

"I'm Ron."

"Hermione Granger."

Neal turned to the boys, "Don't you two have last names?" Puzzled, he looked at Hermione, "And where is 'Granger'? I've never heard of that. Is it in Carthak? Or Tyra? Oh wait, are you commoners? I'm sorry." 

Harry and Ron turned red. "He's Potter," said Ron, pointing.

"And he's Weasely," said Harry, pointing back.

Hermione tried to straighten him out. (Neal being stuck in a kinky, pretzel-like position at the moment.) "We aren't from around here. We're from a little planet I like to call Earth…in the Eastern Hemisphere…England? Ever heard of it?" Neal shook his head, puzzled. "Hmmmm. Let's just leave it at that. But we aren't what you would call…um…nobles. He's not Harry _of_ anywhere, if you catch my drift."

__

Just smile and nod, Neal. Smile and nod. Neal smiled and nodded, feigning comprehension. 

Harry and Ron exchanged glances. (A/N: _my own little private sidebar fantasy_: "Give me back my glance, darn it!!!" yells Ron. Harry runs away, taking Ron's glance with him. ^__^ ) They knew exactly where Neal was coming from, having dealt with Hermione in a similar fashion for many years. 

"So you can do magic, too?" asked Neal excitedly, steering the conversation away from names and birthplaces.

"Ya!" replied Ron, enthusiastically, catching on to the plan. He winked at Harry, "You think we should demonstrate???"

"Ummm….sure! Why not?" replied His Harry-ness. "What do you want to do?"

"OOOOH!!! I know. Let's transfigure something…that cushion over there…don't you think it would make a great hedgehog?" asked Ron, who by now was becoming very hyper.

Harry, however, was not quite as wild about the idea, knowing that Transfiguration was Ron's second favorite naptime. But hey…this could be amusing! "Sure, why not? Go ahead."

Hermione grimaced and Ron cleared his throat, pointing his wand at the poor, innocent cushion. He muttered the spell and yellow light coursed out of his wand and encircled the cushion. Spikes shot out of it and the legs got claws. Ears, eyes and a nose with little red whiskers popped out on one end and a little bit of a tail (A/N: _do_ hedgehogs have tails? They must, right?) appeared on the other. Within a minute, the red and gold cushion had become…a spiny square red and gold cushion with feet and a face. 

"Well….he…sort of…looks like a hedgehog," said Harry brightly. 

Ron ventured a smile. "Yes, I suppose he kind of does. I'm going to name him 'Erg-Bob'."

" 'Erg-Bob'????" inquired Hermione skeptically. "That's a bit…odd…don't you think?"

"Erg-Bob is a _great_ name for a hedgehog….err…a sort-of-hedgehog." Ron protested. "Whadda ya say, Erg…you like your name?" The…um…hedge-pillow attempted to nod, but failed due to its lack of neck. "Great! Let's go find you some food." The two new friends trotted off happily in the direction of one of the passages (not the one Neal and Alanna had appeared through.) 

Neal's ears perked up at the mention of _food_, and he started inching after them, saying to Harry and Hermione, "Er….I think I'll just…go after them…keep them out of trouble and whatnot…" Neal trailed off, breaking into a sprint to catch up to the two figures down the passage. 

Harry and Hermione exchanged glances. (_"Here ya go, Harry—one glance, coming right up!" says Hermione. Harry smiles and replies, "Well…you can't have my glance…but here—have Ron's instead!"_) It looked like they should follow them…to keep them from hurting themselves…or something…that and the food wouldn't be bad either. So they, too, set off down the stone hallway.

Presently, the four friends, now five with the addition of Erg-Bob the hedgehog, were reunited when the passage suddenly split in three. Neal began muttering out loud about horrible people building these things just to confuse poor innocent starving people and that they really should have some food about here _somewhere_. The strange tapping noised, which had never really ceased, increased in volume and tempo, and suddenly Our Heroes (and Heroine) could smell a tremendous smelly sort of smell coming from the far left passage.

Neal's eyes widened. "FOOOOOOOOOD!!!" he yelled triumphantly, running full speed ahead down the hall.

Erg-Bob and Ron looked at each other. Erg-Bob attempted to raise an eyebrow at this strange behavior exhibited by their new friend…and belatedly realized that he lacked eyebrows in the first place. Defeated by this cruel trick of nature, he simply twitched his nose and headed down the same passage Neal had just galloped through, towards the scrumptious smell of sustenance. 

This being a good place to stop, before I embark upon my fifth page of insanity, I wish to see if you, the common garden variety of nice reader-people, would like me to continue my unpredictably strange and unusual tale. (If at this point you are objecting to my strange vocabulary…its like my friend Heather always says… "I never use big words when the diminutive ones would suffice!") O__o 

Anyway…tell me what you thought. Surprisingly, it only took one review for me to get another chapter up….even though it took me all of three weeks to decide to write more. (I know, I know…I've been neglecting you shamefully, you poor story. *The author weeps bitter tears, shorting out her keyboard.* 

In short: REVIEW!!!! 

Thanks muchly for reading at least.

~ Erm the Penguin ~


	3. In Which Havoc Is Wrought and Jealousy R...

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Friends! Readers! Uhhh…random people who happen to share the same planet as me! Be afraid, be VERY afraid…the next installment of Harry Potter and the Twilight Zone has at last appeared from the black hole in which it was previously hiding. Be it known that the following tale is a product of many sleep-deprived breakfasts and as such may be extremely hazardous to the above people's health. It contains a great many freaky pairings, OOC-ness and surprise appearances by random characters. You have been warned. Proceed at your own risk. Thank you for your time and attention. 

This has been a public service announcement.

A/N: Just a little note for those of you who have read the 5th book of Harry Potter already, if you haven't its ok—I'm not giving anything away in here I don't think…I'm just protesting the needless death of a certain character who should NOT have died and so they are included at some point in this story. I will not tell you who that is if you have not yet read the book, if you have and are angry at me for including them…you know what…I couldn't care less if you are….but if you agree w/ me…fell free to tell me so b/c most of the people I talk to think I'm an idiot for caring that they died. (Hey they were my favorite character…so there!)

And now on with the show!!!

Disclaimer: You know the drill: I own nothing. Characters appearing in this fic-let belong solely to J. K. Rowling, Tamora Pierce and J. R. R. Tolkein. Nothing but the extremely strange and decidedly odd plot is mine. (and sometimes I'm not even sure about that.)

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So without further ado, I hereby present to you:

  


Harry Potter & the Twilight Zone

Chapter Three:

In Which Havoc Is Wrought & Jealousy Runs Rampant

After a long long long time of complete and utter silence, the tapping began again. The random characters sitting around the fire all blinked and stretched a bit, feeling as though they had been sleeping for a very long time…but that was impossible, for only a moment had passed…right?

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

Currently, Our Heroes were sitting in what they have fondly termed the "Common Room" just because its there and has _couches_. (WE are unsure of how they got there in the first place as we left them looking for food and standing about talking, but its not supposed to make sense anyway…) Alanna was across from Harry for no particular reason and was getting very uncomfortable because he was staring at her most unusually. Suddenly, Ginny appeared next to her. Totally unfazed by this strange turn of events, Harry divided his time between the two redheads, one of which was now increasingly uncomfortable, and the other who got jealous whenever his eyes were on the first. 

~ * ~ * ~

Meanwhile…on another couch, Hermione was sitting between Neal and Ron. (heh heh heh) Neal originally sat there to be out of Alanna's view, just in case she got Ideas. Now he and Hermione were comparing notes on the different kinds of magic that they practice. Hermione was amazed that although they were called "mages" and their magic "the Gift," their spells were not really all that different. Neal was perplexed that their world had dragons and centaurs and phoenixes all the time. He explained to Hermione about the barrier that had been up for hundreds of years that had kept the Immortals (as he called them) separated from the Mortal Realms, and that they were still adjusting to the barrier being broken not so many years ago.

At this point, they began comparing philosophies and poor jealous Ron gave up on trying to understand what they were talking about and contented himself with glaring fiercely at Neal behind Hermione's head. 

Suddenly, there was a flare and a puff of smoke and Sirius and Remus stepped out of the fireplace. 

With a puzzled look at Sirius, Remus said, "This doesn't _look_ like Dumbledore's office. We must have come put of the fireplace too soon or something."

Sirius looked around and spotted his godson. "Harry!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here? Where _is_ here? How are y—"

Harry looked up (finally). "Oh, hi Sirius," he interrupted, and then went back to staring at Alanna.

"That was…odd…" commented Remus.

Just then, Daine walked into the room and the two men's eyes were instantly riveted on her. They walked over and started talking. Somehow the conversation turned to animals (hey, go figure) and they all found out about everyone else's abilities—that Remus is a werewolf and Sirius can become a dog, and that Daine could become any animal that she wished.

Daine was uncommonly fond of dogs…probably because the first animal she ever changed into was a wolf, and she'd run with a wolf pack before coming to Corus…so she immediately loved Sirius and Remus, because even when they weren't transformed they still had many doggish qualities. (hey—they do in _my_ world, ok?) So they sat in another group of comfy chairs (which had conveniently appeared the minute they decided to look for them, although no one had noticed that, being too wrapped up in their own silly lives to care that strange and unusual things were going on.) So they sat and talked, and then transformed (somehow even Remus could do this, even though no on e really knew what phase the moon was currently in) and played tag or just romped about the room, having an absolutely marvelous time.

~ * ~ * ~

Meanwhile…Ron and Numair decided to start a Jealous-Cast-Off-Male Club in which they could vent to each other the unfairness of the situation and complain about the inconsistency of women in general. At the same time, several innocent women were calmly wreaking havoc with their fellow man's emotions and having a splendid time about it too…

~ * ~ * ~

Meanwhile… (^__^) Alanna couldn't stand it any more. This kid was practically stalking her! She got up and nearly ran out of the room , colliding suddenly in the corridor with a tall cloaked figure. Seizing her chance, she ducked around it and gasped, "Save meeeeeeee!!!!"

Severus Snape turned around to see what he was saving this short, stocky redheaded woman from. Striding resolutely down the corridor was his arch-nemesis with a determined look in his pretty green eyes. Smirking evilly, he crossed his arms and barked, "Potter! What exactly do you think you're doing?"  
Whereupon, Potter promptly stuck out his tongue at the evil Potion's Professor. Giggling insanely, he turned back around and headed back for his comfy couch. _If he couldn't have one redhead, he would have the other. And anyway, _he reasoned_, the short one looked much too old for him._

Ginny welcomed his return to her joyously and went into raptures at the thought that he was all hers now…

…Simultaneously, Snape performed a complicated pirouette (everybody clap now) and faced his little damsel in distress. When she finally got a good look at her rescuer's face, Alanna swooned. For a second she thought of George…but…not even the King looked this good! (to her, anyway) She thought his long dark hair and deep silky voice terribly sexy. From his reaction to the sight of her he thought the same. Alanna noticed a doorknob on the wall behind her, turned it, and as the door opened, smiled at him provocatively. As she went through the doorway, he scowled suddenly. _This was not the way Severus Snape usually acted!_ There was a drastic increase in the volume and tempo of the tapping noises. His eyes went blank and his face expressionless. He went placidly to the door, muttering repeatedly, "I will do whatever the author commands," under his breath. He blinked and found himself in a little broom closet sized room. Alanna looked up at him and beckoned. As he moved forward, the scene blacked out (for matters of rating and the fact that the great, wise and omnipotent Author has absolutely no idea what to do with them past this point) and faded back in at the fireplace in the common room. The Club for Jealous-Cast-Off-Males was taking a break from their rants to gaze meditatively into the fire and think about marshmallows. Sirius and Co. had regained human form and were also lounging by the fire. Neal and Hermione had run out of debatable topics and were (finally) silent. Harry and Ginny were doing God knows what (for the author certainly doesn't) when Gandalf the Grey strode into the room, the tip of his pointy hat just grazing the ceiling. "I'm looking for a new Ringbearer," he muttered around his pipe. Numerous pairs of glassy eyes stared at him dazedly. 

"What'd he say?" murmured Ron.

"I think he said that he booked a Blue-Wing Wearer," said Hermione, confounded. 

"No, no, you've got it all wrong!" exclaimed Sirius. "He said he was cooking a stew thing there."

"That's not it either," said Remus. "He said he's shnooking for a froo ping glarer." 

Everybody looked at Remus. He grinned. "Just kidding."

"I'm looking for a new Ringbearer," Gandalf repeated, louder, removing his pipe from his mouth.

"Oh," said everybody disappointedly, expecting something odder, somehow. (I can't guess why!) 

"Ummmmm…" started Hermione timidly. "Can we ask why?" 

"But of course!" replied the ancient Maia grandly. "May I?" he asked, indicating the poufy old green armchair that most likely hadn't been there a moment ago. They all nodded, so he eased himself into the squashy depths and, when he was arranged to his satisfaction, began his tale.

"It all started when Frodo caught the flu. He's getting better, but he won't be able to get up for another month, at least. Sauron's forces are getting stronger, and if the Ring does not get to Rivendell soon, all hope of saving Middle Earth from certain and absolute destruction is lost. I tried everywhere in Middle Earth, but to no avail. In the Shire, there is no one like Frodo—none of them would ever consider leaving home. Yet, they, of all the others are best when it comes to resisting the Ring's power. Many people elsewhere would have gladly taken it, but I feared that they would succumb far too easily and use the Ring for themselves."

Gandalf pulled something small and golden out of his voluminous robes. All present (except Harry) gasped in awe. It was the One Ring!!! (Harry yawned.) 

"Now," said Gandalf, "we can't let the world know that Frodo is currently…out of commission…for practical purposes, we need someone small—to fit in with the rest of the hobbits, and then to be correct relatively to the Fellowship (who knows how he knew _that_ when the Ring hadn't reached Rivendell yet, but who cares, right?), so that rules out most of the adults…and all of the redheads would only attract more unwanted attention…" he turned to the remaining three who not yet been eliminated. "My dear, I don't think you would be able to go either, so that lea—"

Hermione stood up, outraged. "And why not? I am perfectly capable to doing anything these idiots can!"

"Hermione, it's called a fellowship for a reason," Ron reminded her quietly. 

"_Fine_!" she glared at all the males in the room and rushed out the door with Ginny and Alanna hurrying after her.

Sighing, the old wizard turned to Neal and Harry—the last hopes of humankind…they were snoring. Sneakily, Remus poked them both. Blinking groggily and yawning, they looked around, wondering why everyone was staring at them with identical expressions of pointed blankness. 

Gandalf leaned forward and presented them with the One Ring, intending to see how susceptible they were to its evil. Neal looked at it, crossed his eyes and promptly went back to sleep. Gandalf held the Ring out to Harry expectantly. All eyes turned to him, waiting to see his usual look of determination. Harry blinked. The Ring flickered gold and red in the firelight. "Ooooooh! Pretty!" exclaimed Harry, with a big cheesy grin.

Everyone groaned in unison.

Insulted, Harry poked Neal and led him out to the kitchen. As they stood, Gandalf saw for the first time just how tall they were, and realized that it wouldn't have worked anyway. They watched humanity's last hopes walk clumsily out the door. Just as they were resigning themselves to Absolute and Total Destruction, a very strange little man appeared. Quickly Gandalf stuck the Ring in his face. The little man looked from the Ring to the wizard and back again. He raised his eyebrow questioningly. Everyone cheered. He had shown himself unmoved by the power of the Ring. They were saved! 

Gandalf moved to formally present the Ring to its new Bearer. "I wish I had more time to really get to know you, but I'm sure you will be able to get this Ring successfully to Rivendell. I hereby give you, um….what was your name again?"

"Dobby."

"…Dobby this Ring. Do you swear to do your best to get it to its destination, even if your very life may be forfeit?"

Dobby looked really terrified by this last bit, but nodded nervously all the same.

…

Gandalf put the Ring in his hand.

…

Suddenly Dobby got a decidedly evil glint in his eye and cackled madly as he disappeared—off to Take Over the World! 

Gandalf put his head in his hands in shame. He had just sealed the fate of the known world.

Just then, Harry and Neal emerged from the kitchens, walking tipsily and smelling strongly of alcohol. As they reached the couches they giggled and collapsed on the floor, dead to the world.

…to be continued…

Bwahahahaha. Was that enough randomness for you? Author capers about madly and runs off to steal the Ring from Dobby the house-elf so that she can take over the world and fill it with Penguins and other good things like peanut butter and ladybugs.

To all you wonderful NYLF friends of mine, (who don't really know about this so they wouldn't be reading it anyway, but they get a shout out just because…well…because I can.) WE miss you already even though we've only been home one day. WE wish that the last week could have lasted forever and command that everyone gets together really really soon. You must al come from whatever ends of the earth you are currently residing in and visit me because, well…because WE say so. (so there) 

TTFN!!!

~ Erm the Penguin ~

(if you don't understand the WE thing, don't ask…its not important to anyone who wasn't in the Pasteur group in Villanova this last week.)

Just a little side note….I just realized that Erg-Bob the hedgehog/cushion from the previous chapter has not appeared in this installment at all and am incredibly saddened by the fact that I unconsciously left him out. So he wrote the next bit just so he could be in there. (Drum-roll please!)

…Erg-Bob the incredibly handsome and intelligent hedgehog nosed around the kitchen. He found a chef's hat and apron lying on the floor and poked them about until he could get them on himself (which was very difficult seeing as he was lacking opposable thumbs…not to mention a neck and eyebrows.) Finding the kitchen wonderfully hedgehog-sized, he made himself a sizable breakfast of poached eggs, toast, and French vanilla cappuccino. Demolishing this example of culinary expertise in a matter of seconds, he left the mess for later and poked about some more. A few hours later, Erg-Bob the hedgehog-cum-chef had turned painter and discovered sufficient supplies in the cupboard to finger…err….paw? - paint a beautiful mural on the wall of the passage that led to the kitchen. Just about this time, the two groggy, insulted boys stumbled into the kitchen and helped Erg-Bob to find the bar. The chef/painter became a bartender and mixed drinks to his little red-gold heart's content and sent away his customers very happy (not to mention, very, very drunk.) No longer insulted that he was not included in this chapter, the chef/painter/bartender/writer retired from all work and curled up in a corner by the fire to enjoy watching all those sad, pathetic characters who were stuck in this predicament be made fools of by the author.

The end.

Lets all have around of applause for Erg-Bob!!!! Yay!!! Ok…now I really am done. Sorry this chapter isn't as random or funny as (I think) the other two were…tell me what you think anyway. Have a great summer…and hopefully I'll come back in two weeks with another installment. If you live in the Mt. Rushmore region, be very, very afraid and do not leave your houses because I will be there in a while. (Run away! Far, far away. Save yourself while you still can!!!!)


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